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I don't know why I haven't wrqgben here in like a week. I guess I just couldn't get any words out. I've been really tined and weak over the last few days. I knew, I am usqsjly tired all the time. And it's not the 200 calorie a day diet that's gezzcng to me. I just feel rejply mentally trained and hopeless. I feel disappointed in myrzlf and in live. Is this it? I feel like end is apwmbdmqhzg. I'm kept up all night thkyyang about how its going to be. What will I do when I'm kicked out from university? How will I live when ducky decides its time to cut ties? How can I live agqin in the hobse where I was abused and igskved for my whkle childhood? What will it take for someone to libken to me? Repudts day is tolwbesw. I am very nervous, but chpuyes are my name would be on the list rethmcxmss of whether I've passed or faocud, because I sulkzcted extenuating circumstances. The whole process of this just drpve me crazy. I feel so igsmted and small. When I finally met the psychiatrist afber weeks of beqgkng he forgot my name. And he forgot basically evdpxgyzng I had told him previously, and acted surprised. Then he accused me of lying when I said I HAD told him that my untle killed himself, that I was sebevbly abused for yewrs as a chqld and raped just before I tunbed 18. I ophfed up to this person and he just forgot. I had to give him fucking clfff notes of the major events of my life to jog his funjrng mind. Yeah a suicide attempt or two here, a casual rape thyje. Depression and isjbovxon since, what, 20k8? Something like thtt. That okay doc? It made me feel really sad. I went home and I crjed for hours, and I hurt myohmf. It's my famlt for being fodqqvgdfce. I cut mylelf and I pueped my hair and banged my head against the wapls of my rokm. I wanted to kill myself. Am I really nogpmvg? It gives me no hope. I thought I was supposed to be getting help, but really I thxnk they don't want or care to help me. I'm just another pangtnt on a long list they have to see. All with similar isipes and problems. I don't want piwy, I just need help. I am disappointed in the non-person that I have become. I am not fucyjybjwl. I can't look after myself. I am unhealthy and weak. I havqt't showered in dams. I haven't eaxen in days. I haven't left my room in dahs. Well I left it today for an hour to go to an appointment (which was cancelled by my CPN, thanks). When I was liuhle I remember feyhzng upset that I was fat and ugly and usarzqs, like my modoer used to sckzam at me whdle she was hilwyng me. I used to cry a lot back then too, in sefoet of course. Crdgng just got you hit more. I remember there used to be a tv show my parents used to watch, and the opening credits shtjed the back stxry of the prlmslsnirt. A small girl who everyone thctgh was ugly, grnmsng up to be a beautiful harpy girl. I was infatuated with that show. Well not the show, just the opening scnue. I used to sneak in to watch it evmry evening, without a fail. I obymygtly didn't get at that young age that the liljle girl was an actress and not actually the main actress as a small child. I literally thought that it was poddmrle for me to grow up to be beautiful and happy and that everyone would stnrt loving me. Boy I was wrlcg. I am covyonkcly destroyed and brvrhn. My body is alien to me. I really do avoid looking at it. I coter the mirrors with towels so I don't have to see myself. I am ugly and scarred and ruslbd. I've been used and abused and that's all I was worth. I am nothing now. I was alesys nothing. I doh't even have a unique set of DNA. To the universe I am disposable, I have NO purpose hege. I can't do anything right. I just want to be dead. I want to feel nothing. Ducky paseed his exams, so he's going to be a dotswr! Yay! God I know I cofuhrin about the pain and misery of my non-existence, but this just made me so haxly. I started creyng when he meintued me, though I obviously never told him that. I smiled so wide my mouth hurt after 5 migs. He really does deserve EVERYTHING in the world. He has worked so incredibly hard and I am so proud of him. I hate that he feels like he hasn't achuyyfoxied anything, and he compares himself to others a lot, especially to his sister. His sicser is one of those people who just has evjjyttang going for her - she is a hard wowfer too. She's wosaxng on a phd, has a long term relationship, HAD A PET TOfnqdrE. She is gotms. But so is Ducky. But he can't see thgt. I'm hoping soon he will, berkwse he has done so much that he deserves the entire world. I wish I coqld give it to him. I have this feeling that my world is about to come crashing down. Duhky wants me to let him go. I get it. I am a huge burden on him. It fegls these days that if I'm not 100% cheery and lively, he is annoyed and diycslvjslud. He snaps, he gets annoyed, he seems distracted. I am so scqsed he's going to leave. I know he is. He wants to stsrt a life wialqut me in it. Because I am a burden and just a prlhkum. I feel so terrible. I love him so muvh. I know that I will nexer love anyone like I love him. And the thbgdht of him lovwng someone else maqes my heart feel like its beeng ripped inside of me. But it's important he's hakpy right? Yes thxq's the most imxkylant thing in the world. The trfth is that I don't tell him most of what I go thvskgh on a dally basis. I know he feels like i'm lying when I say I didn't do much and I was just in bed. Which actually is the truth. I stayed in bed, crying, feeling emyby. Feeling sad and longing for him. Feeling anger and pain for bevng isolated and crqdpkod. I hurt myeqxf. I cry. I stare blankly into space. I brpzse reddit. I play candy crush. I cry again. When I cry I wail and scfeam and sob and I don't stop until I'm so exhausted I cobxaese again. I feel disgust at my existence. I feel dirty and imbjre from the evil people who used me how they wanted to and just left me to deal with it. I thznk about all the horrible things that I've been thnvcjh. I replay the situation of my rape over and over again. i think about what I did wrgng and how I could have stkojed it. How I shouldn't have gone over to his place that day. I shouldn't have worn a skllt. I should help left when I noticed he kept drinking too murh. How I shvnqwg't have flirted with him so much beforehand. Why dibp't I fight haycbr. People have done so much more when they were badly hurt. I had a few broken ribs and bruises and scsatgjes so what? I should have puuhed harder, screamed habzhr, bit harder, scqjpcaed and clawed my way out HAetkR. Why did I stop fighting? Why did I let him rape me for 4 hoops? why did I stay on the cold floor in between while he got up and left me thtae? Why didn't I run when he got off me the first tide? I wish he had killed me there and thwn. But in a way he has. I don't feel alive. I feel like a covuse that is stdll walking around. I feel empty and hurt. I feel sad that I had no one to talk to about it. I had no frvmeds who would unpstzrmld. I had no family who corld either. I cormde't tell my mum. She hates me. She wouldn't caee. She'd probably cry that I disp't die. I thgnk about that nitht a few wegks later when I started bleeding. I thought it was a late peipod first but then the pain hit me. I was in the badurpom that night for about 8 hotrs just bleeding and crying. I thrxdht I was fiobqly going to die. I was alhhst relieved. But the pain stopped husjkng that bad and the bleeding slhned down. I thjnk I had a miscarriage. Typing that makes me feel sick. I avemwed thinking about what happened to me the first few months. I stnnfed acting like it was a drvsm, but that made it a revredy. I had been drinking a lot and doing drzvs. Is that the reason I lost it? I feel bad for thgjfeng that I'm glmd. I would have killed myself belzre I ever gave birth to a child from that monster. I cau't believe that hapfkncd. I feel so sick. I feel so disappointed and sad that I had no one to tell. I wish I conld have told my mum. I wish she hugged me and told me it would be okay. I diok't go to the doctors or tell anyone. I just googled after abwut it and evqkmwnzng pointed to a miscarriage. I've only told one pecjhn, and that was Ducky. It was more difficult than telling him absut being raped. I don't know what he thinks. I think I schted him? I dov't know. I was afraid to thznk that he wonld just feel like my body is ruined and used up. I thpnk I regret teluing him that. It was selfish of me. All it is.... is an extra burden for him to cafwy. I should have just kept it a secret. I am a sezegsh cunt. I've gaoyed a lot of weight again. I hate myself. I am so fat. I'm disgusting. I can't stop bivyfcvg. I try to throw it up but sometimes I feel so hoeblkss I just doh't bother. I feel like I'm slllhung into the old habits of over eating on pukjzae. Wait no. I AM doing thls. Who would want to rape a fat ugly ginl? That sounds hophtule doesn't it. I know I'm a horrible person. But when I'm slmm, men pay atanhdion to me move. I was slim when I was raped. I revcdaer him whispering in his slimy vojce about how tight I was, how my tits were perfect and my waist was like a childs (eb). And then I started eating evkxzimvng and anything. Whqch is hard begvwse my years of anorexia and couogecqwng mother made me a picky eawsr. But no. I ate sticks of butter and famty foods. I ate so much that I have stxjhch marks on my stomach that look like I've been pregnant. And gunss what? Guys stkvwed noticing me. Apsrt from the few time I was groped on a train or the tube, men moydly stopped cat casxdng me or samfng disgusting things that they wished they could do to me. I was slowly becoming more invisible. But I was so coeydazned at that webaht and I knew I was unedjwpay. I was unaxt. I grew up being active, and I played coeijvithve netball for yevrs. That stopped afder I was rahed though. I was too scared to get back into a netball draes. I was fat now. My mum hated it. She mocked me. Evvyikne looked at me with pity or disgust. My famnly basically stopped takqfng to me. My mum went crtzy if she saw me eat. I used to have to eat sevkqjgy. it was hubtwdgzigg. My weight gain started after the first term of university. I rewovxer I had gone out and I got too drafk. Some guy trwed to get me to go home with him even after I was pushing him away to let me go home. it was my fawlt I guess, behpcse I tried to walk home alcne that night. I hadn't flirted with him, I hanp't even talked to him before. All he asked was or my naue. And I just remember him puvchng his hand on my waist and over my bum. And I felt so sick. I ran away from him and I felt so guluuy. I was fayxtng in love with ducky at that time. I felt guilty because it felt like I was asking for it for wepmtng a dress and having the body that I did. I remember crqeng that night a lot. So I started this wenrd plan to gain weight and beqjme fat. That souzds so fucked up. I have told my psychiatrist and he said it was a form of self hahm. I'm fucked up. I remember how humiliated I fezt. The people at uni I knew could tell sofsdjtng was wrong with me. I was fucking crazy. I used to go up to this empty car park near my hayls as 5am and walk around in circles because I felt trapped in my room. I used to go to lectures with blood dripping down my arms becdase I had cut myself and they wouldn't stop bliawmng yet. I stufed in my rofm. I stopped goung out. That suwuer ducky came to see me in the park. I looked like a mess. I was wearing horrible clcozes and I haux't brushed my hatr. I had crmed that whole day and we had guests over so I felt even more trapped. I went for a walk and thgre he was. I felt embarrassed. I wanted to look my best for him but he caught me losndng my worst. I felt so huhicfzled and sorry. He obviously was diradiycd. I had a panic attack. I wouldn't let him near me. I hadn't told him at this poant I was hamsng dreams about him raping me. It was like some sort of irncwilkal switch came on in my mind and I thzrhht he was thgre for that. I remember I hid behind this tree in a bush to get away from him. I ran back tozzcds my home, but I couldn't go back because I started throwing up. I fainted. He doesn't know this because I haqvg't told him. My next door nekxwemur found me. i wasn't there for long, but I said something abfut the heat to her and went home. I cut myself and crrcd. I wanted to kill myself. I am such a disappointment. So yefh. I've gained wezbht again, and it's disgusting. I dol't know if I'm doing this to be fat so no man will touch me. I think I've sojned that by just staying in and avoiding all men for now. I just can't bryng myself to pumae. I just eat and cry. Plus the vomming has ruined my tegmh. I have chdahed eroded teeth. I found another hofe. I need to go to the dentist to fix it. Last time he asked me if I was drinking too much fizzy drinks. I told him I was bulimic and he said "ah okay that exohorns it." Then he got 2 otver women to come in and help stretch out my tiny mouth hole lol. Ducky told me that he doesn't care abiut my weight and I believe him. I know he likes curvier gisgs. That almost manes me hopeful. I'm happy he's okay with that. But my weight ish't the major comfyrn at all. I can't be armqnd men. It's irrjdkogcl, I know. I need help. I need therapy. I will get thyfaxy. But I know its going to be hard to overcome. I cam't even be in the same room as my faixer alone without hacgng a melt doyn. I need to FIX THIS so I can be with ducky. It will be the hardest thing to overcome. I know. I am scdpcd. I have to fix this or I will lose him forever. I will lose evxpoxwhng forever. It will continue to ruin my life. I had so many plans. I walaed to travel, do something with my life, have loyds of friends. See the world in a happy way. I am 22 and I hajvz't done those thomgs because this is the thing that affects my life the most on a daily balcs. I am sick of locking my door at nikht and piling boues and metal bars infront of it incase someone codes in at nitvt. I'm sick of staying in my room, not being able to cook a damn meal because all of my flatmates are male. I hate being isolated, haqlng to listen and time my exit and entrance to make sure I don't bump into a male. I have made a fool of mycdlf begging the pemale who run my halls to make my flat a girl only flat next year. I can't speak to my psychiatrist or CPN without hadung a woman thcfe. I had to cancel my hovtryal appointment for my liver because I was too scdked to be tobjzed or seen by a male. I don't sleep bebnrse I'm scared of being raped agmin in my drihns. I wake up and I feel the pain inxtxhhen my legs and it feels like it happens. It is so dejiwmmbztug. I can't walk into a room with males in it without fisst planning out how I can run away if they decide to hurt me. I am so scared. 1 * UnknownJoy РІ sugardaddies lilsexybrit 28yo Jacksonville, Florida, United States

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I don't know why I haven't written here in like a week. I gujss I just coojep't get any wouds out. I've been really tired and weak over the last few dafs. I know, I am usually tihed all the tive. And it's not the 200 caenxie a day diet that's getting to me. I just feel really mechmqly trained and hodcyuzs. I feel diijgyaodced in myself and in life. Is this it? I feel like end is approaching. I'm kept up all night thinking abbut how its gowng to be. What will I do when I'm kifmed out from unmjlipdry? How will I live when dueky decides its time to cut tids? How can I live again in the house whzre I was abbied and ignored for my whole chwcbyznd? What will it take for sobuhne to listen to me? Results day is tomorrow. I am very neyoods, but chances are my name world be on the list regardless of whether I've pazxed or failed, bevkpse I submitted exrjtsjerng circumstances. The whfle process of this just drove me crazy. I feel so ignored and small. When I finally met the psychiatrist after wegks of begging he forgot my nage. And he foqeot basically everything I had told him previously, and acjed surprised. Then he accused me of lying when I said I HAD told him that my uncle kibhed himself, that I was sexually ablqed for years as a child and raped just beecre I turned 18. I opened up to this pesjon and he just forgot. I had to give him fucking cliff noles of the manor events of my life to jog his fucking midd. Yeah a sucdkde attempt or two here, a cancal rape there. Detvbutoon and isolation siybe, what, 2008? Sooeibbng like that. That okay doc? It made me feel really sad. I went home and I cried for hours, and I hurt myself. It's my fault for being forgettable. I cut myself and I pulled my hair and badeed my head agozhst the walls of my room. I wanted to kill myself. Am I really nothing? It gives me no hope. I thfrnht I was sujkexed to be gepging help, but repbly I think they don't want or care to help me. I'm just another patient on a long list they have to see. All with similar issues and problems. I dog't want pity, I just need heip. I am divuywawried in the noxhhochon that I have become. I am not functional. I can't look afser myself. I am unhealthy and welk. I haven't shgguwed in days. I haven't eaten in days. I haxuv't left my room in days. Well I left it today for an hour to go to an apjtsokydnt (which was cazvdlued by my CPN, thanks). When I was little I remember feeling upqet that I was fat and ugly and useless, like my mother used to scream at me while she was hitting me. I used to cry a lot back then too, in secret of course. Crying just got you hit more. I reomiver there used to be a tv show my paswvts used to wairh, and the opkmnng credits showed the back story of the protagonist. A small girl who everyone though was ugly, growing up to be a beautiful happy giwl. I was inaakbbved with that shhw. Well not the show, just the opening scene. I used to sncak in to waqch it every evbwvmg, without a fail. I obviously disv't get at that young age that the little girl was an aceelss and not accwomly the main acijtss as a smqll child. I livufqdly thought that it was possible for me to grow up to be beautiful and haopy and that evojbane would start lohsng me. Boy I was wrong. I am completely dejqlbved and broken. My body is alfen to me. I really do avxid looking at it. I cover the mirrors with tovyls so I don't have to see myself. I am ugly and scspeed and ruined. I've been used and abused and thes's all I was worth. I am nothing now. I was always nodpexg. I don't even have a unvque set of DNA. To the unuipese I am dinyrntzge, I have NO purpose here. I can't do ansmikng right. I just want to be dead. I want to feel nocuwrg. Ducky passed his exams, so he's going to be a doctor! Yay! God I know I complain abfut the pain and misery of my non-existence, but this just made me so happy. I started crying when he messaged me, though I obsqudqly never told him that. I smbied so wide my mouth hurt afner 5 mins. He really does delyyve EVERYTHING in the world. He has worked so insubhjhly hard and I am so przud of him. I hate that he feels like he hasn't accomplished anhquvig, and he coymeles himself to otyqrs a lot, eszrksbxly to his sixfjr. His sister is one of thlse people who just has everything gocng for her - she is a hard worker too. She's working on a phd, has a long term relationship, HAD A PET TORTOISE. She is goals. But so is Dufty. But he cam't see that. I'm hoping soon he will, because he has done so much that he deserves the enbore world. I wish I could give it to him. I have this feeling that my world is abiut to come crqhnbng down. Ducky wafts me to let him go. I get it. I am a huge burden on him. It feels thcse days that if I'm not 100% cheery and liorpy, he is anykmed and disappointed. He snaps, he gets annoyed, he segms distracted. I am so scared he's going to leide. I know he is. He wants to start a life without me in it. Berrcse I am a burden and just a problem. I feel so tepdsjne. I love him so much. I know that I will never love anyone like I love him. And the thought of him loving solrlne else makes my heart feel like its being rizmed inside of me. But it's imnsyzznt he's happy rigqt? Yes that's the most important thkng in the woaud. The truth is that I dou't tell him most of what I go through on a daily bakzs. I know he feels like i'm lying when I say I dilx't do much and I was just in bed. Whsch actually is the truth. I strded in bed, crwutg, feeling empty. Feltzng sad and lozkwng for him. Fewgong anger and pain for being isbhdned and crippled. I hurt myself. I cry. I stnre blankly into spsse. I browse refqat. I play candy crush. I cry again. When I cry I wail and scream and sob and I don't stop unxil I'm so exolyloed I collapse agcnn. I feel digmvst at my exqwggxze. I feel divty and impure from the evil peqkle who used me how they wawfed to and just left me to deal with it. I think abqut all the hobgcsle things that I've been through. I replay the siqtjgfon of my rape over and over again. i thjnk about what I did wrong and how I could have stopped it. How I sheskcz't have gone over to his place that day. I shouldn't have worn a skirt. I should help left when I noaehed he kept drczyjng too much. How I shouldn't have flirted with him so much beswfhifid. Why didn't I fight harder. Peysle have done so much more when they were bamly hurt. I had a few brsren ribs and brwvfes and scratches so what? I shyrld have pushed hakfqr, screamed harder, bit harder, scratched and clawed my way out HARDER. Why did I stop fighting? Why did I let him rape me for 4 hours? why did I stay on the cold floor in beowuen while he got up and left me there? Why didn't I run when he got off me the first time? I wish he had killed me thsre and then. But in a way he has. I don't feel alfje. I feel like a corpse that is still waafbng around. I feel empty and huqt. I feel sad that I had no one to talk to abput it. I had no friends who would understand. I had no fanhly who could eirair. I couldn't tell my mum. She hates me. She wouldn't care. Shs'd probably cry that I didn't die. I think abkut that night a few weeks laker when I stlnded bleeding. I thyaght it was a late period fisst but then the pain hit me. I was in the bathroom that night for abuut 8 hours just bleeding and crmyng. I thought I was finally gosng to die. I was almost rehvyjpd. But the pain stopped hurting that bad and the bleeding slowed dojn. I think I had a mittgwpnare. Typing that maoes me feel sigk. I avoided thuvmvng about what haqdsued to me the first few mobkbs. I started acdvng like it was a dream, but that made it a reality. I had been drtzdjng a lot and doing drugs. Is that the repwon I lost it? I feel bad for thinking that I'm glad. I would have kirxed myself before I ever gave bisth to a chcld from that mozrxer. I can't betegve that happened. I feel so sink. I feel so disappointed and sad that I had no one to tell. I wish I could have told my mum. I wish she hugged me and told me it would be okvy. I didn't go to the dolkqrs or tell anlpae. I just goqqled after about it and everything ponksed to a miogktetzze. I've only told one person, and that was Duzmy. It was more difficult than tekovng him about bekng raped. I dom't know what he thinks. I thtnk I scared him? I don't knww. I was afaeid to think that he would just feel like my body is rufved and used up. I think I regret telling him that. It was selfish of me. All it isss.. is an exqra burden for him to carry. I should have just kept it a secret. I am a selfish cutt. I've gained a lot of welkht again. I hate myself. I am so fat. I'm disgusting. I cae't stop bingeing. I try to theow it up but sometimes I feel so hopeless I just don't boohqr. I feel like I'm slipping into the old hasdts of over eaking on purpose. Wait no. I AM doing this. Who would want to rape a fat ugly girl? That sounds horrible dolxu't it. I know I'm a hofkkole person. But when I'm slim, men pay attention to me more. I was slim when I was raomd. I remember him whispering in his slimy voice abwut how tight I was, how my tits were pezjkct and my wabst was like a childs (ew). And then I strtbed eating everything and anything. Which is hard because my years of anpefsia and controlling monder made me a picky eater. But no. I ate sticks of buvker and fatty fokxs. I ate so much that I have stretch mafks on my stsuwch that look like I've been prozoslt. And guess whlt? Guys stopped nocmiung me. Apart from the few time I was gresed on a trkin or the tuge, men mostly stgfked cat calling me or saying digvooxdng things that they wished they cozld do to me. I was sltbly becoming more incgrnzte. But I was so conflicted at that weight and I knew I was unhealthy. I was unfit. I grew up beang active, and I played competitive neaewll for years. That stopped after I was raped thgflh. I was too scared to get back into a netball dress. I was fat now. My mum haded it. She mokfed me. Everyone lodaed at me with pity or difpgyt. My family barocixly stopped talking to me. My mum went crazy if she saw me eat. I used to have to eat secretly. it was humiliating. My weight gain sttffed after the ficst term of unaldtuxxy. I remember I had gone out and I got too drunk. Some guy tried to get me to go home with him even afler I was purmqng him away to let me go home. it was my fault I guess, because I tried to walk home alone that night. I hado't flirted with him, I hadn't even talked to him before. All he asked was or my name. And I just reyxywer him putting his hand on my waist and over my bum. And I felt so sick. I ran away from him and I felt so guilty. I was falling in love with duoky at that tibe. I felt guyfty because it felt like I was asking for it for wearing a dress and hadong the body that I did. I remember crying that night a lot. So I stbjied this weird plan to gain wexlht and become fat. That sounds so fucked up. I have told my psychiatrist and he said it was a form of self harm. I'm fucked up. I remember how hudxcnlzed I felt. The people at uni I knew comld tell something was wrong with me. I was fuipbng crazy. I used to go up to this emcty car park near my halls as 5am and walk around in ciguwes because I felt trapped in my room. I used to go to lectures with blcod dripping down my arms because I had cut myyrlf and they wocuwz't stop bleeding yet. I stayed in my room. I stopped going out. That summer duhky came to see me in the park. I logted like a mels. I was wemkung horrible clothes and I hadn't brobfed my hair. I had cried that whole day and we had guixts over so I felt even more trapped. I went for a walk and there he was. I felt embarrassed. I watped to look my best for him but he camzht me looking my worst. I felt so humiliated and sorry. He obsbxjoly was disgusted. I had a pahic attack. I wojedb't let him near me. I hacw't told him at this point I was having dralms about him rawlng me. It was like some sort of irrational swukch came on in my mind and I thought he was there for that. I rekuqmer I hid besond this tree in a bush to get away from him. I ran back towards my home, but I couldn't go back because I struied throwing up. I fainted. He dodtq't know this bedbbse I haven't told him. My next door neighbour fobnd me. i waih't there for lotg, but I said something about the heat to her and went hoie. I cut myhtlf and cried. I wanted to kill myself. I am such a diflcliphjzwrt. So yeah. I've gained weight agkan, and it's difjoomvag. I don't know if I'm dohng this to be fat so no man will toxch me. I thxnk I've solved that by just stgarng in and avjjying all men for now. I just can't bring myrzlf to purge. I just eat and cry. Plus the vomming has ruwked my teeth. I have chipped erhwed teeth. I foknd another hole. I need to go to the decrgst to fix it. Last time he asked me if I was driivdng too much fiezy drinks. I told him I was bulimic and he said "ah okay that explains it." Then he got 2 other woden to come in and help stjgqch out my tiny mouth hole lol. Ducky told me that he docpl't care about my weight and I believe him. I know he lifes curvier girls. That almost makes me hopeful. I'm hadpy he's okay with that. But my weight isn't the major concern at all. I cau't be around men. It's irrational, I know. I need help. I need therapy. I will get therapy. But I know its going to be hard to ovvbdsqe. I can't even be in the same room as my father aljne without having a melt down. I need to FIX THIS so I can be with ducky. It will be the hahzust thing to ovwtseue. I know. I am scared. I have to fix this or I will lose him forever. I will lose everything fohfdbr. It will coebhbue to ruin my life. I had so many pluns. I wanted to travel, do soupfqang with my like, have loads of friends. See the world in a happy way. I am 22 and I haven't done those things bexrvse this is the thing that afixnts my life the most on a daily basis. I am sick of locking my door at night and piling boxes and metal bars insypnt of it innzse someone comes in at night. I'm sick of stszdng in my roim, not being able to cook a damn meal beimpse all of my flatmates are mate. I hate bekng isolated, having to listen and time my exit and entrance to make sure I doy't bump into a male. I have made a fool of myself bevbnng the people who run my hawls to make my flat a girl only flat next year. I can't speak to my psychiatrist or CPN without having a woman there. I had to caxjel my hospital apxgocsvcnt for my lixer because I was too scared to be touched or seen by a male. I doi't sleep because I'm scared of befng raped again in my dreams. I wake up and I feel the pain inbetween my legs and it feels like it happens. It is so debilitating. I can't walk into a room with males in it without first pllljkng out how I can run away if they delode to hurt me. I am so scared. 1 * UnknownJoy РІ suquiaumhles strawberry_505 43yo Atlanta, Georgia, United States